Food, Stress and Relationship Nourishment

May 072013

We heard this metaphor recently asked of a group.  “Can you imagine what it would be like to go without food for weeks on end?  Can you actually imagine yourself doing that?  Depriving yourself of food is not something most of us ever consider doing.  Of course we make time to eat, we’d die without it.”  As everyone sat there quizzically wondering where in the world the presenter was going, she then dropped in the line, “well this is what it feels like when you don’t feed your primary relationship for weeks on end. You starve it to death.”

In a recent Huffington Post survey, of more than 1,000 Americans, revealed that 91% felt stressed in the month of March of this year. (Wait for it, this is relevant to the previous paragraph!).   Their conclusion is that Americans are a population that feels “burdened and pressured”.  We imagine that Canadian statistics are not far behind. Between work, housework, kids, family, friends and community activities we seem to be doing more, faster and with higher expectations.

There are a number of reasons why people forget or choose not to “feed” their relationship and certainly stress is one them.  In the midst of the stress of life, our primary relationships tend to get short shifted when it comes to loving attention.

So recognizing that there are many, many calls on all of our time, recognizing that current food wisdom suggests multiple small meals a day, recognizing that our primary relationships are the single most important relationship to our overall health and happiness, here’s a suggested menu to nourish your relationship on a daily basis:

  1. Relationship Breakfast: A Kiss – Every morning as you are heading your separate ways, kiss your partner goodbye for at least 5-10 seconds.  And don’t be afraid to offer more than one kiss.  Prolonged kisses activate important hormones in the body that nourish your brain cells.  And research has shown that men who kiss their partners when they leave for work live 5 years longer than men who don’t.  Women also benefit although not to the same degree.
  2. Relationship mid-morning snack:  An Appreciation – email or text your partner with a short note with one thing you appreciate about them.  Appreciation is something we all love to receive so offer this gift to your partner each day.
  3. Relationship lunch: A Wondering – email or text a wondering about something you believe your partner has been doing this morning – “Thinking about you and wondering how the presentation went”, “Thinking about you and hoping you enjoyed having coffee with Andrew” – be curious.  Notice that in order to do this you will need to have talked to your partner about their plans for the day!  Being interested in each other’s lives is an important part of building the fabric of a strong relationship.
  4. Relationship mid-afternoon snack: An Anticipation – yes, another email or text!  “I’m looking forward to hanging out with you at the kids soccer game tonight”  “I know that tonight is a busy night and I am looking forward to crawling into bed with you at the end of it”  “I know that you have a lot of work to do tonight and I am looking forward to enjoying both of us doing our own things in close proximity to each other”.  You are taking interest in your partner and your life together – no matter how busy it may be.
  5. Relationship dinner:  Reconnection – take the first 10 minutes of being back together to simply be with each other.  No words are necessary and often times no words are best.  Hug each other for at least 20 seconds.  Again, it’s good for your health if for no other reason.  Consider cuddling on the couch.  This is a chance to decompress for the workday and so keep the words to a minimum.
  6. Relationship dessert:  Face time – When it’s time for bed, whether you cuddle, debrief, plan, wonder or make love, always kiss each other good night!

The activities that grab our attention will in all likelihood continue for some time.  We all need to make money to pay the bills, feed the kids and assist in creating the life style we want for ourselves and our family.  Nourishing your intimate relationship on a daily basis builds a connection that can withstand the tests of time.

Oh, and eat healthy food too (preferably across the table from each other!) – nourish your body and your relationship at the same time.

Here’s to your vibrant relationship!

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FOO-Fighting or FOO-Learning?

Apr 232013

Your Family Of Origin – your FOO!

Along with your intimate relationships, your FOO relationships are the most impactful of all the relationships you will form during your life.  For the majority of people, you were pickled (before birth), raised and launched into adult life by your FOO.  Now into your intimate relationships you bring all the lessons you learned and strategies you created as a result of spending your first 18 years (or so) with your FOO.  And of course that FOO is still in the picture, now interacting with you as an adult.  Whether you are 18 or 98 your FOO is a rich learning environment – or a battlefield where the “war” never ends.

For most of us, our family of origin presents challenges and opportunities.  Hopefully yours also provides a huge dollop of love and support.  Unfortunately it seems many do not.

So what do you do if your family of origin (in whole or in part) rejects any or all of your sexual orientation, your choice of partner, your child rearing methods, your career choices, your style of dressing, your eating practices and/or your tattoos, body piercing or hair style?

We go back to the title of this blog – do you want to fight or learn?

Fighting means pushing back against all the resistance that you meet: the snide comments, the exclusion, the outright refusal to acknowledge.  Fighting means matching blows with blows.  It’s about trying to prove who’s right and who’s wrong.  Fighting generally results in an escalation of positions, a deepening of heel digging, and a huge amount of your energy plotting strategy and building defenses.

Learning means being permeable to all that gets lobbed your way, reaching out to grab pieces that could inform you about your own beliefs and requirements of life.  “Oh, I see how right my dad always needs to be – I wonder where I need to be right?”  “Oh, no wonder I suck it up and carry on when I’m sick – that’s what my mother told me to do and I see her continuing to do that with my dad.” “Oh, I see myself withdrawing around my sister’s bossiness, just like I did when I was a kid, just like I do now when I think someone is trying to tell me what to do.”  “Oh, I see what I’m doing ….”

What we’re suggesting is not a loving acceptance of all the behaviours and attitudes of your FOO, it’s a filter change for how you see them.  Choosing to spend time with them, or not, interact with them, or not, is an additional question but as a starting point, since most of us don’t choose zero contact, try changing the filter.

From “what can I see to push back against” to “what can I see to learn from”.

If nothing else it will make family dinners a whole lot more fun!

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Keeping Your Relationship Juicy!!

Apr 092013

We recently celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary and friends have been asking what we’ve done to keep our relationship so “juicy”.  Their term, not ours!  So we put our heads together and wondered aloud about what are some of the things we’ve done over the years that have contributed to that juiciness and what are those actions really all about?

One of the fun memories we have is about how we started creating surprises for each other many years ago.  This all started out from our inquiry into a situation that could easily have become a point of contention in our relationship.

Bob liked to buy Jane gifts, like jewelry or flowers, out of the blue, for no reason at all, still does!  When this first started Jane was a little skeptical about the intention behind the surprise.  What was Bob really wanting and what was he not saying?  What was she supposed to do in return and how could she “return the favour” without feeling obliged to do so?

Bob on the other hand was simply so appreciative of Jane being in his life that he wanted to express this gratitude in some fashion and this was the outlet he chose.

After a while it became clear that giving gifts was something that Bob liked to do and this was his way of expressing.  Jane, while enjoying the gifts, was not a gift giver naturally.  She had other ways of expressing her appreciation and was intrigued with how she could “give” in a more direct way.  Both of us were curious to explore.

After a little thought and discussion we came up with the idea of creating monthly surprises for each other.  One month Bob would create a surprise for Jane and the next month Jane would do the same for Bob.  This created space and allowed for expressions of appreciation from both of us, expressions that could take a variety of creative forms.  Sometimes we would agree to some kind of attribute like – next surprise is a colour surprise – and we would each create an adventure that firmly incorporated a colour of our choice.  Imagine an evening sipping blue Curacao martinis at the Blue Iguana restaurant, followed by new blue lingerie and a bedroom transformed by blue light bulbs, blues music and … (is the present tense of blue, blow??).  And, no, the surprise did not always involve sex – but sometimes, it did!

Other times we limited the spending on the surprise to no more than $20.  Sometimes we included food, sometimes we agreed to create something that specifically excluded food.  Sometimes it was a thing not an event.  You get the picture.  As we moved forward we naturally got more and more creative and dropped a lot of the structure.  The point is once a month we set aside an evening (or some part of a day) and one of us would share the surprise we created for the other.

We’ve kept this up over the years although we’ve abandoned the monthly schedule.  Now the surprises vary over time and are a little more random than before.

When we started to look at what we were doing and the key attributes or elements of these surprises two common themes emerged.

First, we noticed how we loved the element of anticipation, both as a giver and a receiver.  As a giver we could fantasize, plan, sculpt, create and generally have a great time thinking about how we would like to express ourselves.  As a receiver we would wonder about what might happen, sometimes nervously, when we saw the other person so excited about what they had created.  Remember back to when you first met and the element of anticipation was in the air?  The excitement around, “Will he kiss me tonight?” or “I wonder what will happen if I start to undress her?”  Whatever those first dates were like for you there was almost always an element of anticipation.  Keeping anticipation alive in a long-term relationship is one of those juice creators.

The other element we realized that these surprise evenings created was variety.  By having a few simple parameters like colour, cost or location we were creating variety in what we were doing.  Going back to the first couple of dates scenario you likely often created variety by meeting at different places or going to the movies one night and meeting for coffee or dinner at different restaurants.  The saying, “Variety is the spice of life”, comes to mind here.

So looking back here a formula that’s work wonders for us:

Anticipation + Variety –> Juice!!!

Yes there are other things that contribute to Juice as well, and this is a great place to start!

Whatever stage of relationship you are in, what would happen if you created more opportunities for anticipation and variety?  We’re guessing there’ll be more laughter and a juicy flow of fun that results in greater connection and openness.

Let us know how you use anticipation and variety to keep your relationship juicy and we’ll share your story in a future blog.

Here’s to your Vibrant Relationship!

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Start With Rockin’ Beginnings!!

Mar 262013

Starting a new project with your partner, friend, child or colleague? The most successful projects are those based on shared understanding, clarity and agreements. The least successful projects are those that start with unspoken assumptions, expectations and beliefs.

This past weekend our colleague and relationship expert, Janet Parks, created and shared an exercise with us that really got our juices flowing and we want to share it with you to try out in your relationship. She calls it Rockin’ Beginnings – because that’s exactly what it creates!

You can use this exercise in all kinds of situations like planning a vacation, buying a new house or doing renovations to an existing one, or even how you want to interact on a day-by-day basis. Or you can, like we did, use it with another couple, to assist in getting clear on how you would like to spend an evening together. The possibilities are quite endless.

Your first step is to get clear on your topic. Pick something easy for your first time so you can practice the process before you jump into deeper relationship conversations.

The second step is to do a little bit of moving and breathing. Research has shown that body movement and a relaxed breath, say around 6-7 breaths a minute, are hugely beneficial in opening up your ability to communicate effectively with another person (and with yourself for that matter!).

Once you are both relaxed, alert and willing to play, move through the following questions one by one, taking turns sharing what comes up for you as you consider the question. If you start the wondering process by adding an audible “Hmmmm…” noise before answering each question, you’ll activate the wondering part of your brain!

Consider alternating who answers first as you move through the questions. For illustration, let’s pretend you are planning a vacation.

• What’s your most expanded dream for this vacation?

In other words, your biggest, yet realistic, wishes for this vacation?
Let each person answer until they are done – no back and forth conversation.

• What’s your most constricted dream for this vacation?

In other words, what could realistically happen that would make this vacation a big disappointment for you?
This question assists in having you both express your fears and allows you to hear and be heard. No fixing or solutions or “don’t be silly” comments allowed!

• How can we support you, me, and us in creating our most expanded dream?

In other words, what’s going to make creating a fabulous vacation that much easier?

• How do we want to BE if or when it gets difficult?

Note that this is not asking what you want to DO but rather how you want to BE with each other!
By addressing this question now when you’re in a collaborative state you’ll likely come up with some great ideas that will assist both of you should the situation become difficult.

• What agreements will support us?

You’ve reached the part where the rubber hits the road! Take the time here to make notes of your agreements and make sure the wording is clear and that you both agree. For us, we often do a little fist bump to signify that we are both in agreement.

Finally, take a few moments to wonder if there is anything else that needs to be communicated. Notice any feelings in your body. How do you know when you are complete? Research shows that your body wisdom is much faster (and more accurate) than your mind – so checking in with your body is a great completion tool.

What we noticed as we completed this exercise was a significant increase in our confidence in the project’s success, our connection to our collaborator and our excitement to get started.

As Janet pointed out to us, this exercise works equally well for recalibrating what’s not working. You can also follow this exercise on the same topic after some time has passed to update agreements and keep your dreams fresh.

To learn more about Janet Parks visit www.janetparks.com

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5 Tips For Creating Relationship Happiness!

Mar 122013

“You guys seem so happy” is a comment we often hear. Must be because we are!

What we’ve realized however is that Jane’s not making Bob happy and Bob’s not making Jane happy, it’s not even our relationship that makes either of us happy; it’s our own choosing to be happy that produces happiness.

Here’s an important relationship axiom to get: “Only you can create your own happiness!”

We’ve also discovered that there are a number of things that we (and you!) can do that supports the creation of authentic happiness. Interestingly enough all of them involve some form of taking responsibility for your own happiness.

Today we offer five of our favorite tips for supporting yourself and each other in the creation of happiness.

1. Agree that each of you will take responsibility for your own happiness. This relieves your partner from any responsibility for making you happy and creates a whole bunch of space for them to focus on their own happiness. According to Alison Armstrong, “The long-term possibilities of any relationship are limited by or expanded by what the partners are being accountable for.” Being accountable for your own happiness is a relationship expander.

2. Agree to never compromise on anything important. When we were renovating our condo we came up with this agreement. If one of us felt like we were not fully in agreement with a renovation or decorating decision we agreed to say so. And then we’d keep looking for a different solution that brought happiness to both of us. We have also agreed to do rock-paper-scissors for the small stuff. So when we’re out for a walk and one of us wants to go east while the other prefers west – well there’s really no point wasting time looking for a third way solution for the small stuff!

3. Notice what brings happiness into your life and focus on that. This is where sitting quietly or meditating comes in very handy. Take 5 minutes each day to sit quietly and notice the times when you felt happy. If you do this at the end of each day you can think back over times during that day when you felt happiness. These don’t have to be big, life altering moments. We’ve felt happy when we are sitting in the warm sun having lunch or cuddling as we watch a movie together.

4. Create an agreement to eliminate blame and criticism from your relationship. This agreement is one of the most difficult and most impactful agreements you can create with your partner. Culturally we have been patterned to blame others and be critical of their actions or words so to agree to eliminate blame and criticism is much more difficult then it sounds. And when you do slip, and initially you will, simply notice what you are doing and recommit and move forward.

5. Adopt an attitude of gratitude. Notice whatever is happening in your life and be grateful for every learning opportunity. When it comes to your relationship, notice and express appreciation to your partner at least 5 times a day. These can be small: “I appreciate you for taking out the garbage this afternoon” or “I loved how you cleared the dirty dishes at dinner tonight”. All that is required is that your appreciations are heartfelt and authentic. It’s amazing how much happiness is created in the one offering the appreciation.

Bob & JaneHappiness can come in many forms and arrive at any time of day or night. Realizing that the choice for happiness is yours and making this choice starts the flow of happiness that no one can ever take away from you. When two people come together with the realization that they are both responsible for their own happiness and they are willing to participate in supporting each other, then happiness will blossom continuously through their lives and their relationship. Friends will see this happening right in front of their eyes.

And then you’ll be hearing “You guys seem so happy!”

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There is no “WE” in Relationship!

Feb 122013

Relationship Dance

Have you ever been out with friends and your partner says something like “we really had fun last night at …” and you think to yourself “don’t talk for me please!”  There is so much talk these days about relationship and how “we” need to communicate and how “we” need to be intimate and how “we” need to … (add your own ending to this one).  Have you noticed that there are actually two ‘I’s in relationship and no ‘we’s.

Apart from the literal truth of this, the metaphorical point is that there are two people in an intimate relationship, each growing, expanding, exploring, and discovering who they are as individuals.  Each one learning what it is that they want to experience in their life.  And each one having the opportunity to learn about themselves inside the container that is the grandest teacher of all – their relationship.

We all come with our own unique collection of experiences.  Messages we received from our parents and siblings and care givers about what to do to be valued and loved.  We interpreted these messages and over time we developed our own unique set of core beliefs about how the world works.  We bring these core beliefs forward like a comfy blanket and believe these core beliefs will keep us safe, secure and loved in this big world we live in.  The partner we choose also brings their unique set of core beliefs with them into the relationship.  Funny how their blanket is a different shape, texture and color from ours.  This is where the fun begins.

Here’s an example from our relationship:

Bob experienced periods of separation from his mother when he was young.  Being left in the care of his father and brother were anxiety ridden events from which he created core beliefs about connection and safety and an anxiety about losing both of these when others were not physically present.

Jane experienced separation from her mother in an emotional manner.  Her mother was present but seemingly less available than Jane might of liked.  Jane created core beliefs around the importance of being self sufficient and self contained and learned to take solace in her own company and her own activities.

Can you see how these beliefs might make for some interesting relationship issues?!

Being in relationship is really two people with very different experiences and core beliefs coming together to love and be loved, nurture and support each other, have fun with each other and enjoy the pleasures, and connection, of being sexually intimate with each other.  And often we are drawn to each other’s differences as an opportunity to heal and re pattern some of those old beliefs.

Wondering how this works in your relationship?  Think about the last time you felt angry about something that happened between you and your partner.  Did your partner feel angry as well?  And if they did, were they angry about the same thing you were angry about?  I doubt it.  The same can be said about the other core emotions of fear, sadness, joy and even sexual feelings.  Each person in a relationship is having his or her own unique experience of life.

In my coaching practice, when I’m coaching couples, I often hear the “we are feeling this way” or “we don’t understand what’s happening between us”, I will invite the person speaking to repeat the sentence this time replacing “I” wherever they said “we”.  Then I ask their partner how they felt inside their body hearing the “I” statement.  The response has always been some version of “I feel more open to hear what he/she is saying”.  They don’t feeling a discomfort or desire to say “well that’s not exactly how I’m feeling” or the rarely helpful “speak for yourself”.

Vibrant Couples

So here’s my invitation.  The next time you hear yourself saying “we”, when talking about your relationship, simply note this and say, “What I really meant to say was I …”.  This is owning your experience.  This is also how you demonstrate that you are taking responsibility for your experience and life.  You also create the space for your partner to own their experience and to express what is true for them.  This is where intimacy gets nurtured.

Realizing that there are two “I”s in a relationship and that you are only responsible for one of them is one of the great gifts you can give to your partner.  This is one way to make a contribution to creating your vibrant relationship.

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Adding S&M into your Relationship!

Jan 292013

Couples who’ve been in relationship a long time, sometimes complain that they want more novelty in their life.  Seems that just being with each other isn’t enough any longer.  They want more and they expect their partner to bring their fair share of the novelty and adventure.  This is a great time to think about bringing some S&M into the relationship.  Savoring and marinating that is – what else did you think we meant?

Here’s what often happens.  For couples who have been together for a while, there can come a time where one (or both) of you senses something is missing.  The relationship feels flat.  The old flame is fading and you start talking with friends more than your partner.  You might also start looking outside the relationship for whatever looks interesting and fun.  Perhaps “almost happy” best describes how you feel about your relationship – it’s good enough – well, no relationship is perfect after all.  You may believe deep down somewhere that you’re settling for “not bad” when, surely, there is something more.  This is the time when couples often think about splitting or at least looking at counseling or coaching for some answers.

So how do you begin the process of bringing back the zest in your relationship?  It starts with appreciating yourself.  Appreciate yourself for seeing where you’re at and wanting to look at how you can contribute to recreating the exciting relationship you once had.  Then add in finding attributes of your partner that you can also appreciate.  What can you appreciate about your partner?  You’ve been together for so long that you often miss the obvious.  Keep it simple to begin with.  And share these appreciations with your partner.  Do this repeatedly in such an abundant fashion that the ratio of appreciations to complaints gets close to 20 to 1.  Yes, this is what’s required when your relationship is in difficulty.  If your relationship is satisfactory then a ratio to at least 5 to 1 appreciations to complaints is required.

With this large dollop of appreciation added into the mix you’d be surprised to see the changes that occur in your relationship.  Everything starts to soften.  The smile starts to return to your lips and when you go for a walk all of a sudden you start holding hands.  Life on the home front starts to feel easeful and relaxed again.

This is where the S&M comes in.  Now that you have your eyes and mind wide open you can start savoring the relationship you’ve built together.  You can marinate in all the events and encounters you’ve created together.  And as this savoring and marinating starts to take hold you will start to savor and marinate in the space the two of you occupy.  You will look into your partner’s eyes and know that the bond the two of you have is beyond special.  This is the place where we find ourselves today.  We’re able to be together or apart and know that our connection is deep and meaningful.  And the feeling is sheer delight.

Savoring and marinating in your relationship requires nothing other than the ability to appreciate yourself and your partner.  So start today and with practice you too can S&M your way to happiness.

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5 Things We Learned About Relationships This Year!

Jan 152013

As we enter 2013 we thought we’d take some time to reflect on what we learned about relationships last year.  Some of these we knew about but didn’t get the nuance until this year and others just came to us as we keep getting closer and closer.

 

1. Seeing You As My Ally

This is one of those intellectual items that you don’t really get until you get it.  Seeing you partner as your ally replaces blame with curiosity and highlights that everything your partner says or does is an offer to you to get to know yourself even more.  Earlier this year we discussed this with a couple who were playing in the blame and criticism arena.  Recently, we attended their wedding and during the ceremony one of their vows was to continue to see each other as allies.  As they made this vow they looked over at us and smiled a ‘thank you’.  Later they told us that this was one of the most profound pieces of advice they received this past year.  Once you see that all your reactions have to do with how you see and experience the world and are likely based on old patterning, then you can start to uncover what it is that you want to do or say instead.

2. Radical Responsibility

As the year went on this is something that we both became keenly aware of.  We are creating our own experience.  The people we are around may say or do something and how we react is totally our own choice.  This became particularly clear when we noticed multiple situations where we each reacted to the same set of circumstances, in very different ways.  As simple as a sentence in an email – “Hey guys – how about upping the fun level?”  Bob read it as an invitation to play, Jane read it as a criticism.  Same words – totally different reaction.  So if the situation is the same, the same person is communicating, and we react differently then it must be us choosing our experience.  Hard to avoid the logic isn’t it?!

When we come to see that every thought, feeling, action or reaction is totally our choosing then we can start the process of wondering what it is we can discover about ourselves from this situation.  Yes – it is all about me!

3. Relationship Entanglement

This is one discovery that affects every couple whether they realize it or not.  No matter how hard we try we always get together with someone who will have a way of behaving that will support our deeply held beliefs about the world.  It takes two to entangle so when we see a repeating pattern we can start to untangle the knots that we both create.  One of our entanglements which we (mostly!) straightened out this year was around the concept of sharing half formed thoughts with each other.  It went something like this: Jane would be reluctant to share what she was thinking about an issue until she had thought it all the way through, had a potential solution and had packaged the delivery of what she wanted to say into a neat message.  She thought she was doing this in order to avoid criticism and rejection at the half formed stage.  Bob received her neatly packaged message as a fait accompli with no room for discussion or negotiation and felt like he was taking orders rather than co-creating solutions.  The result would often be the criticism and rejection that Jane was trying to avoid in the first place!  When we looked deeper we could see that Jane actually required Bob to criticize and reject and Bob required Jane to order him around.  Why?  Because these are familiar patterns from their childhoods which they were each unconsciously clinging to.  Once they both got willing to have their ideas met with curiosity and interest Jane started communicating much earlier in her thought process and Bob started to jump in right away with his thoughts and ideas.  The result – a huge increase in our individual and collective creativity.

4. The Power of Appreciation

Lots of research has been put forward about the power of appreciation and the positive effect it can have on any relationship.  This past year we undertook to test out this theory.  Each morning before we got out of bed and each night before we went to sleep we offered each other 5 appreciations.  And we did this for a full month, never missing a day.  By the end of the month we had created a new pattern that now spontaneously brings forth appreciations throughout the day as we see something in each other that we want to appreciate.  It might be around thoughtfulness for running a bath before dinner so there is some relax and unwind time or it might be around seeing how the other’s zest for life is inspiring.  Whatever we appreciate doesn’t make a whole lot of difference.  The act of appreciation changes the energy in the relationship and brings a renewed level of connection.

5. Authentic Communication

Saying what’s really going on in the moment is real game changer.  This can start by expressing feelings or if you don’t really know what you’re feeling then you can simply state what sensations you are experiencing in your body.  Also knowing that there is nothing to fix when you receive this type of communication allows you to open up into wondering how you can be of support to your partner in these moments rather thinking you need to defend or protect yourself.  When Bob says “I feel angry”, Jane may respond with “I see that, would you like to say more?” or “Yes, I can see you clenching your hands and grinding your teeth”.  All of which basically says, “I hear you, I see you, I’m here”.

Now that we’ve seen the impacts that these five relationship attributes have made to our relationship it should come as no surprise that we’re excited to see what 2013 might bring.  By living with the intention to being a lifelong explorer we’re open to a life of discovery and excitement.  We’d like to invite you to join us as we continue our journey of vibrant coupleship and bring all our best discoveries to you.  Happy New Year and may 2013 be your most bliss-filled relationship year yet!

 

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Choose How You Hear What You’re Being Told!

Dec 122012

One of the common relationship issues we hear about from clients we coach is how much blame and criticism is present in the relationship.  One particularly prevalent pattern looks something like this:

One of the couple, we’ll call them Kelly, says something that they believe is simply communicating information to the other, who we will call Sandy.

Sandy receives the statement as blame or criticism, in the sense that the statement made by Kelly, regardless of the actual words or intent, is really saying that Sandy is doing something wrong and if Sandy would change then Kelly would be happy.

Sandy decides to remain quiet and think over what Kelly has said and to plan a response.  Sandy is secretly rehearsing a response while at the same time feeling angry.  Sandy wonders how to respond in a way that doesn’t create more trouble and removes the chance of even more blame and criticism.  In essence, Sandy is trying to create protection against further discomfort while at the same time trying to defend against Kelly’s accusations.

When looked at from a larger perspective Sandy is likely replaying patterns that were developed as a young child.  Sandy likely felt blamed and criticized repeatedly as a young child and as a result developed ways of dealing with these situations in specific ways in order to feel safe or at least stop the blame and criticism in that moment.  What is actually different now that Sandy is an adult is that the blame and criticism is not necessarily there any longer however Sandy continues to hear almost every comment as blame and criticism.

I, Bob, was/am one of those “Sandy”s.  When I hear a comment from Jane or someone close to me who is offering a suggestion on how my words or actions are being received I used to see this feedback as blaming and critical.  The pattern I describe above is my pattern.  Through a process of awareness, responsibility and commitment I’m now happy to report that most of the time I receive these comments as opportunities for me to learn about myself and my behaviour and to decide how I want to be in the future.

I’m seeing how so many of my patterns come from my childhood that I’ve gotten to the point of laughing at some of them. The process of seeing how the old situation is different from today comes with practice, awareness and a healthy dose of self-love.  These are processes that I now practice regularly.

If you or someone you know has difficulty receiving feedback I would encourage you forward this blog post onto them so they can see they’re not alone.  Through coaching they too can move through this pattern into a new open-to-discovery phase of life that’s filled with wonder and wide eyes of joy.

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Seeing You Again For The Very First Time

Nov 132012

Do you remember the first time you ever laid eyes on your partner? What did you know about them at the time? And how excited were you to know more? Ah, the good old days. So what if I told it was possible to experience ‘the good old days’ all over again? Keeping your relationship fresh is up to you. Whether you stay the same and become predictable, following the same patterns day after day is a matter of choice. For most of us when we look back it really is impossible to stay the same. So if it’s impossible for us to stay the same then think about your partner and wonder. Is it possible that they may be different from the first time you saw them?

People change in a variety of ways over the years so let’s look at four specific areas: physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually.

Of course, they have probably changed physically since you can see the difference and aging is often but not always unkind to our bodies. And related to physical appearance we can also look at what kinds of foods and eating habits our partner has moved to.

Intellectually, you can likely see some changes in your partner, like what they find funny or interesting. They may have also changed in what they read or like to watch as in catching them reading 50 Shades Of Grey or how excited they are that the new James Bond movie is coming out. Have they become more interested in politics and whether women’s rights, legalizing marijuana or gay and lesbian marriages should be legalized?

Now it starts to get a little more difficult when it comes to emotions. Are they more or less sensitive then before and if so do you understand what has prompted this change? Are they more present with you when you want to discuss something that’s on your mind? Notice their general sense of happiness and wonder what’s different from that first impression.

Finally, spiritually where are they now? Have they become more or less interested in God or whomever they used to worship? Have they become interested in a higher power other than God and become curious about where we are headed a s a species? And possibly they might even have taken up meditation for periods of time in an attempt to find peace of mind.

Whatever the change realize that we are all changing all the time, just like everything around us. Our partners are no different and when we take on the commitment to continually see our partner with fresh eyes and wonder what it is about our partner that we now appreciate then we keep our relationship fresh and playful. Seeing our partner again for the very first time is one of the delight-filled steps involved in creating a vibrant relationship. Without wonder and curiosity where would the vibrancy come from?

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